you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Everyone says I win the strip club
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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