there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
