Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
