I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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