It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
