He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
