I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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