we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
