Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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