Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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