Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
