we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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