now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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