I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
