I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My underwear smells like fireworks.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
