you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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