Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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