she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
