he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
