Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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