u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
