You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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