and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
