I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
