I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
