Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
