i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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