Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
