So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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