I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We have so much sex to catch up on
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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