i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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