If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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