I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
