finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
