Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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