Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
you never un-have a 4some
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
