You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
