His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
