true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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