I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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