the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
