I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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