Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
