Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
