I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I can't turn off my feet"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
