hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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