so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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