i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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