So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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