I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
