the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I deserve this hangover.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
