a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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