just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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