she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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