Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just invented taco cereal.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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