If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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